"Who says you have to be good?"

the question that changed my life

good /ɡo͝od/ adjective 1. to be desired or approved of (definition from dictionary.com)

There are many definitions for the adjective “good.” Some of the most common:

• morally excellent; virtuous; righteous; pious

• of high quality; excellent

• kind, beneficent, or friendly

• to be desired or approved of

Unfortunately, the belief I internalized as a child set my life on a troubling course. A self-destructive trap was laid early on. Whether I knew it consciously or not, being ‘desired or approved of’ became my personal measurement of worth. My goodness.

So when my friend,

Kim Pitts

, shared a challenge that started with

Mesa Fama

, “What question changed your life?” I knew immediately how I’d answer.

You see, a few years ago, I’d been discussing my memoir-in-progress with the draft title of “Finding My Goodness” with my dear friend Lisa and she said to me, “Wait. Who says you have to be good?”

I paused.

My mouth dropped.

My mind was blown.

That single question—"Who says you have to be good?"—shattered the foundation I’d built my life on. I had been chasing approval, striving to fit a mold that was never mine to fill. Albeit, some of it was for survival, but in that moment the question was asked, I realized: goodness is not a standard someone else gets to define for me.

My worth isn’t determined by being desired or approved of. It’s rooted in authenticity, in living on my own terms. Lisa’s question wasn’t just a challenge; it was a gift. A gift that began to break the cycle of seeking external validation, and for the first time, show me my true value.

In redefining “good,” I found something far more precious—myself.

Several thumbnail images of Michele, spanning from age 4 until age 53.

A Good Learner

I learned  
At a very young age 
How to stay quiet 
To please the grownups 
And avoid anger 
I learned to silence 
”Angelic Child”
As long as everyone smiled, 
I was good. 

I learned 
At a very young age 
How to clean my plate 
To please the cook 
And stay out of trouble 
I learned to binge 
”Healthy Eater”
As long I didn’t waste, 
I was good. 

I learned 
At a young age 
How to memorize verses 
To please the church 
And be accepted 
I learned to judge 
”Original Sinner”
As long as I confessed, 
I was good. 

I learned 
At a young age 
How to fit in 
To please the crowd 
And be like the others 
I learned to copy 
”Compliant Chameleon”
As long as I didn’t stand out, 
I was good. 

I learned 
At far too young an age 
How to bring satisfaction 
To please the men 
And gain attention 
I learned to mask 
”Sexy Lover”
As long as he still wanted my body, 
I was good. 

I learned 
At a respectable age 
How to marry the good boy 
To please society 
And avoid judgment 
I learned to pretend 
”Obedient Wife”
As long as I carried a good name, 
I was good. 

I learned 
At a proper age 
How to raise the children 
To please the public 
And be a model citizen 
I learned to restrain 
”Worrisome Mother”
As long as they were good,  
I was good. 

I learned 
At a professional age 
How to be a good worker 
To please the boss 
I learned to hustle 
“Committed Employee” 
As long as the business came first, 
I was good. 
 
And now I know
At this exceptional age 
How to live authentically 
To love unabashedly  
And support diversity 
I’ve learned to accept 
”Empathetic Ally”
And I choose to love, even myself
And, this is good. 

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Has a single question ever changed your life?

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Last summer, Michele and her daughters took turns wearing a vintage linen dress and taking photos in a wild flower meadow in Montana.